Lately, I’ve been ruminating on how much I obsess about what people think of me—how others perceive me, and what they say about me when I’m not around. I focus on it all the time. Rather than being able to listen to someone in conversation, I’ll be worrying about what they thought of what I said. Rather than defining myself by my actions and values, I too frequently define myself with the opinions of others. And I don’t think I’m the only person who does this—I think a lot of us do.

I think a lot of us obsess about how people view us and then even go a step further and define our own characters with the words people use to describe us. I mean, you don’t need to be an author to know that words matter. I know that for most of my life, I have felt plagued by the words that others have used to describe me: “negative,” “brutally honest,” “passionless and unhirable,” … 

The words that others have used to describe and define me have seeped into my being and become a part of my character. When asked who I am, the words that others have labeled me with—attacked me with—come to mind first. But it shouldn’t be that way! I should be able to decide who I am and what words define me. I know myself better than anyone else, after all. Others can try to understand me—can try to decide who I am and define me—but I don’t have to let them be right. I don’t have to listen to them! That’s what I’ve been realizing lately, anyway… Now, I’m on a journey to rewrite myself as the person I think I really am and not the person other people have convinced me I am. Now, I’m choosing my own words: “confident,” “loving,” “passionate and hard-working,” …

It isn’t easy for me to weigh my own words over those of others—especially since the words I wish I could shed often come from friends and family—people I love and respect. It’s hard for me to listen to myself instead of other people—frankly, even people I don’t know. Like I said before, I care what people think—I care too much what people think, and I believe many of us do. Insert well-meaning friend, relative, or therapist who says, “don’t care what other people think.” Sure, if only it were that easy. If only I could flip a switch and flip off the next person who dares to define me with their own words… But in my experience, it’s not that easy because I do care. 

I care what people think of me, I care how people feel, I stress and obsess about how others will perceive me—and my books—ALL THE TIME, then I shower and repeat. For me, the solution to defining myself isn’t not caring—it’s caring … It’s caring about myself, that is—valuing my opinion over the opinion of others, as well as caring about myself enough to take care of myself. Oftentimes the distance between the person I want to be and the person I don’t want to be is closed by stress and sleep deprivation. I need to take care of myself so that I have the energy and the grace to be my best self—my true self. 

A part of taking care of myself is also restricting contact with the people in my life who see the worst in me and bring out the worst in me—the people who define me with the words that haunt me … The people who—sadly—should know me better but don’t seem to. I have been doing my best to set boundaries and limit these people’s access to my life, and it’s hard … I don’t want to cut people out or isolate myself, but if people don’t see me for who I am or value me for who I am, then all I can really do is take a step away from them. It’s not my job to change peoples’ minds or prove anything to anyone—I can only focus on myself and try to change my opinion of myself.  

But seriously. compared to defining my own character, writing my characters in my books is easy! When I write a character, my words don’t change unless I change them. Defining myself is much, much harder. But guess what? If you haven’t heard, life is hard—real life, that is, as opposed to fictional life. In real life, people will constantly try to define you—to rewrite you in their own words, based on their own beliefs and biases and bullshit. And I think we all have to try not to let them! Key word: try. Because unlike in writing, what we decide about ourselves doesn’t sit patiently on the page until we delete it. Unfortunately, in life we have to decide something over and over and over again to make it count—we have to wake up every day with the same conviction. As corny as it sounds, I have been trying to write my own character and define myself—trying, of course, because I’ll have to wake up tomorrow and try again and so on and so on …